Finding True Ecstasy in Dance

 

Ecstasy is defined as an overwhelming feeling of great happiness or joyful excitement.

As little kids, we are mostly full of ecstasy all the time; happy, joyful, full of excitement and wonder about the world!

Then, we grow up in a world where people are angry, sad, judge each other, and we go to school and the other kids are mean or a teacher puts you down and we start to lose that natural ecstatic state of being. What was once a natural state for us, gets replaced with judgment.

Is it any wonder, that so many young people start experimenting with drugs to find that ”ecstasy” again?!

A friend of mine once said, there is something missing from this world and we all know it. We try to fill what is missing with drugs and it may work for a while but in the end you always are left with that feeling of emptiness inside.

By the time I got to my early 20’s, all my natural joy was gone. I was pretty depressed and mad at the world and really felt so disconnected from other people. So like most young people, i progressed to taking drugs at parties to fill that deep void within me and give me that ecstasy i was so missing.

When you are a super aware and psychic girl, with that much empathetic abilities then you cannot get away with a drug lifestyle for long. Drugs invite in a lot of dark energies and it wasn’t long before I was having a complete psychotic breakdown that would turn out to be the greatest thing that ever happened me!

It sent me on a journey. A journey through darkness, numbness, depression, and into searching for something else. I did everything from counseling, 12 step program, yoga, meditation, I even convinced my poor mother to go to medjugorje with me (where Our Lady appears!!)  I was searching and seeking something else. Then a friend told me to check out 5 Rhythms. He knew I loved to dance and I was missing my days of clubbing. Being sober and dancing in clubs now just wasn’t fun anymore, it seemed so superficial.

So, I went to my first 5 Rhythms class and could not believe that this existed. I had been dancing at home in my room, asking for this. There was a DJ Facilitator who had this amazing playlist that brought us on a journey. Starting off soft and smooth, and then bringing us into some fiery, powerful tribal beats which then moved into totally letting go with trance and into a lyrical flow with expressive music and end in stillness. By the time we got to the end, it was like a whole transformation.

I couldn’t believe how lucky I was. I was after finding a way to have ecstasy again and this time it was natural and there was no comedown. It was better than drugs, instead of a comedown, we left in a blissful state, slept like a baby and woke the next day with creative juices flowing through my body!

We have everything so backwards in this world, we think the only way to ecstasy is with a pill, when in truth the ”true ecstasy” I was experiencing in these classes was way beyond what I had ever experienced with a drug.

The true ecstasy comes from within you and stays with you, it’s not some short lived experience. It ripples out in to your life and starts to wake up every other area of your life too. ”Ecstatic Dance” was waking up my body, my finances, my relationships, my everything.

Every week, I would go to this class, with this DJ Facilitator and this group of strangers and we would start to dance. At first, we would start a bit fear based, guarded, heads down. Then the music would change, our energy would start rising, as we get a bit more into it, get edgy and more fiery. Before you know it, we all have our walls down, we have no barriers and we are all dancing as one, with no judgment and accessing that ”ecstatic trance” state. That joy, that connection to ourselves and to others, you can’t put a price on that. That is what dance and music does, it takes you beyond this reality. It breaks down walls and barriers and judgments. Where nothing is solid, there’s no separations, it’s just ONENESS! Oneness with yourself and with everything and everyone around you and in the universe.

To do that sober and with no drugs, accessing the true ecstasy of you and the true ecstasy of the dance, that will change your life forever. You can’t go back to being sad and depressed after that! That is when you have a psyche change. The second definition of Ecstasy is ”an emotional or religious frenzy or trancelike state, originally one involving an experience of mystic self-transcendence”. That was what was happening, I was having mystical and magical experiences on the dance floor and accessing ecstasy within me totally naturally.

I found so much on the dance floor. I found me again. I let go of so many judgments and i just let myself be me. Today, I continue to move and dance because it’s the fastest way I know to having more of me. Now, i like to bring it to other people and see their whole world’s open up when they find that Ecstasy for themselves!

Some people dance for performance. Ecstatic Dance, Conscious Dance, 5 Rhythms, Goddess Dance, Journey Dance, Embody Dance…. whatever you want to call it, It is not a performance. It’s something you embody. It’s a journey from your head to your body.

So, if you are ready to awaken to you and that true ecstasy within you, drop whatever you think dance is supposed to look like and go try a class sometime. You’d never know, you might just like it!!

Amy Shine (Ecstatic Dance Facilitator®)

Photo credit: Jai Star Studios

Find out about my next Ecstatic Dance Event here: https://www.meetup.com/Delray-Beach-Conscious-Movement-Group/

For list of weekly classes go here: https://www.jaistar.com

images-19

If you knew you only had ONE year to live your life…….

If someone told you today, you only have 1 year left on this planet and you will be perfectly healthy for that year, but exactly 1 year from today, you will leave here, how would you choose to spend your last year on this planet?

sky-clouds-blue-horizon.jpg

What would you choose? Would you continue to live your life as you are now? Or would you make changes? What would you do different?

Also, if i knew I was to leave the planet tomorrow, would I be happy with what I have created here? What would I be saying to myself?

Here are some of the things that have come up for me:

-I would have wished I had worked less, and played more. I would spend less time doing work for money and more time working for the joy of it.

(I have to acknowledge that a lot of what I create is from joy and fun and I do get paid for it also!  I’m grateful that I have chosen that in my life. However, I can see there are still some places where I work just for money and that’s what I am asking to change now!)

-I would stop making myself so busy and on the go all the time and make more time to connect with PEOPLE. I would spend less time on social media, computers, phones, and more time with people. I would smile at people more, connect more, inspire people more, ask more questions, be more curious.

-I would spend more time getting to know my parents. I would like to ask my mam and dad more questions. What it was like for them growing up, what our family history is. The different way they were brought up. What their dreams were? Did they have any?What it was like getting married so young. How they see the world now. I would get really vulnerable with them both and let them know how grateful I am for them both for what they have provided me with to live my life.

-I would spend so much more time in nature, playing, exploring, dancing. Travel more and dance everywhere I went. I would get more massages and wear clothes that my body feels great in. I would try all different types of food, have conversations with strangers, hug and kiss my loved ones more, the list goes on and on…..

So now the question is, what’s it going to take for me to start choosing all of this NOW?

Am I going to be that person at the end of my life on this planet, with regrets? With, I should have done this, but I never did? I wasted my youth…. and blah blah blah…

Or am I going to choose it all now and at the end of my days here, know that I am leaving this planet feeling like I accomplished everything I came here to be and do!!

What about you? What would you like to choose? If you knew you only had a year to live, how would you live it?

Is now the time to start living it?

xoxo

Amy

Time to STOP STOPPING YOU!!!

Do you stop yourself?

Stop yourself from having all the things in life you’d like to have? Tell yourself that you can’t have it, that you aren’t ready for it, that you don’t have the time, that you don’t have the money, and on and on…

Today, I choose something that I have been stopping myself from choosing for over 10 years. Since I have been 21, I have looked at doing Yoga Teacher Training in so many different schools, and countries around the world, and every time, I STOPPED myself.

I stopped myself for so many reasons, the timing wasn’t right, i wasn’t sure about where to do it, i didn’t have the money, I wasn’t ready, I wasn’t good enough or strong enough or flexible enough or clever enough…. or really I just wasn’t ENOUGH!!!

Crazy right?!! The crap that goes on in our heads. I had put so many stop signs in the way of me creating my dreams because I had bought the lie that I was not ENOUGH! Here’s the thing, this ”i’m not enough” stuff, is just the lies of the mind, trying to limit you and keep you in the box. In the small box, the familiar box of your life. Keep you from choosing greater and more. You could spend years in therapy, processing why you feel ”not enough” and get nowhere.

You would get nowhere, because it’s a LIE, and you can’t actually change a LIE. You just got to choose beyond it. Look at the Lie, laugh at it and choose anyway.

So, today, after 10 years of stopping myself, I sat in my first class of my Yoga Teacher Training and looked at myself and could see all the ways I had stopped myself from choosing this for so many years and how now, I had finally made a choice and showed up, EVERYTHING that I had used to stop myself was just a LIE, a Limitation that isn’t real.

So, i’m showing up for this training and as I do, some more lies get squashed and get replaced with ”I can do this”, ”I am able”, ”I am strong”, ”Now is the time”.

And I have no idea where this will lead to and even if I will teach, but i do know, i’m choosing this for me and I’m not stopping myself anymore.

So, i’d like to invite you to look at, any area of your life where you are stopping yourself from choosing something you love, because the voices in your head are telling you no, you can’t, there isn’t enough time, or money, or whatever…..

What if instead of listening to your limited mind, you just made the choice to choose it?

I can promise you this, if you do really choose that thing you have always really wanted to choose, then everything in your life will shift and change.

The money will show up, your schedule will change, your work, business and relationships will transform, and most of all, you will have a new sense of YOU and the truth and brilliance of you, that you never had before!

All because you stopped STOPPING yourself!!

xoxo

Amy

 

Why I thought The “How To Become Money Workbook” was stupid!

I’ve been taking part in transformational classes with Access Consciousness for over 3 years now. Over these years, I have always been asking questions with a re-curring theme: What is it going to take to have more ease with money and have a totally different financial reality?

I would take The Being You class with Dr. Dain Heer (the co-founder of Access Consciousness), Level 2&3 with Gary Douglas(the founder), Right Riches For You, and basically every class available to me. Yet when I would hear them mention this How To Become Money workbook, I would throw my eyes to heaven and dismiss their suggestions.

Are you really saying that by reading this workbook 100 times, then my whole financial reality will change? This was just ridiculous. To me, this workbook seemed silly and it was only  $30. I was sure I needed some high priced advanced class with Gary and Dain and some advanced facilitation to change my money ‘issues’!

So last Summer as I watched my close friend Rachael O’ Brien delve into the How To Become Money Workbook, I made a choice to give it a go and see what happens since she was talking so highly of it!

Honestly, I thought Rachael was just babbling and there really was no way that this workbook was going to do much for my life!

So, as I sit on this plane writing this piece, on my way to Dain Heer advanced SOP class in Santa Barbara (a class I thought I would never be able to afford), I have to say, I was wrong and Rachael, Gary and Dain were right! This workbook is magic!

Last year, I committed to doing the workbook 100 times. After the 2nd time going through the workbook tele-call series with Rachael,a miracle happened. I started to have this sense of ease and knowing with money, that I could always create it. This internal reaction inside my body that was an adrenal of fear and panic just disappeared.

On my 4th tele call series, I made a choice that I was choosing SOP class in California. Along with that, I also choose a vacation with my boyfriend to Vegas and Yoga Teacher training. I made a demand that I was no longer going to function from either/or universe. I was having it all. I had no idea where I would get the money from to pay for all this. I just knew I could create it.

Rachael asked me everyday to choose it. That’s what I did. I kept choosing it.

Everything in my head was telling me that this was impossible. My monkey mind was going crazy. Where was I going to get all this money? It was too much, all these events were happening too close together, I would have to struggle now, blah blah blah…

All of this was the poverty consciousness programming that I grew up around. The being Irish and working so hard, struggling and still never having anything!

Except, without me even really knowing, the poverty consciousness was no longer running my life. Somehow, someway, during the course of this How to Become Money workbook tele-call series, all my points of views, conditioning and programming about lack, struggle, hardship, had been destroyed, deleted and changed!

I changed the story! I went from earning money through struggle and hard work to creating money with ease and fun. I went from a one choice universe to infinite choices.

I didn’t wait for the money to choose. I made the choice and then I created the money. As I sit on this plane, with my visa paid for, my flights, hotel and class in California paid for and still having my fund for Yoga training, I’m really acknowledging:

The Power of me

The Capacity I have to create

The lies of the crazy mind and how much it wants to limit me

The programming of the lack mentality of the world we grew up in and the capacity we have to change it

To finish, I’m only beginning. I’m just getting started. I’ve been through the workbook 6 times and that leaves 94 more times. I’ll keep going. I won’t stop, because there is always more. I may even go more than 100 times, who knows!

There’s a world of infinite possibilities and infinite choice. There’s abundance in this beautiful universe and I’m not stopping until I have access to all the abundance the universe has to offer me.

Is there something in your world that is nagging at you for you to do, but you won’t look at it because you have decided, it’s stupid?!!

It may help to look at it, just saying!

There seems to be something in the STUPID THING!!

 

 

 

 

Things I wish someone told me about traveling

Someone very special in my life has just started her first adventure in traveling and working in another country. I have been giving her some support as she’s finding the transition challenging. This got me thinking, I’ve travelled since I turned 20 and if someone could have told me these things when I first started traveling, it may have been easier.

1.Traveling is not the same as a Holiday and takes A LOT OF COURAGE: Traveling, that involves moving to another country and getting somewhere to live and working in a part time job while you get money together so you can travel and explore the country you are in, will make you a more braver and courageous person, that no holiday can prepare you for! Nobody can prepare you for traveling. Moving to another country will test you, stretch you, demand more of you, have you laughing and have you crying. Have you scared and have you excited! It’s a rollercoaster of emotions so enjoy the ride. Don’t be fooled by the idea that it will all be fun. Instead embrace the challenging situations and see the humor in them!

2. You will be UN-COMFORTABLE: The new jobs you take will challenge you and force you out of your comfort zone. You will be so uncomfortable because nothing is familiar. Give yourself time to adapt. Once you adapt to this new place you are living at now, you won’t feel as uncomfortable. You will most likely cry and become over-whelmed. You have moved country. The people are different, there’s a culture difference. Give yourself some time to adapt and get used to your new surroundings. Don’t forget the reason why you wanted to travel to begin with. If it’s because you wanted to spend time in the sun and on the beach, then go do that as much as you can!

3. Every Challenge will become a funny memory and story to tell when you go home: The tiny house that you have to share with way too many people will become a great humorous story eventually! The freak out that you are having because of the ridiculous job you got yourself, will all make great stories to tell someday! Hopefully, you will be laughing sooner rather than later! You are creating experiences here that are real life and teach you more about yourself than any teacher or school has been able to give you!

4. Nothing is permanent:The terrible job you took because you were so desperate to get money together isn’t permanent. You can leave. You can get a better job. You can move from job to job. You are obligated to no-one. These challenges will make you so much stronger as a person and will you give you a gift so precious: The capacity to adapt quickly to anything.

5. There are Kind People everywhere: No matter where you go in the world, there will be kind people and there will be un-kind people. You are traveling. You get to meet different people everyday and you are the one who’s in a different country so people will be very interested in you! Take advantage of that! Surround yourself with the people who are kind and interested in you and discard the rest! Everywhere in the world there is assholes. You may be in a country where there’s a larger population than where you come from so there may be more ASSHOLES! Go to the places that are fun for you and find your people. If you like water sports join the local water sport club. Whatever interests you, go find your people!

6. Stay present and enjoy the NOW: If you put all your energy on what’s not working and what’s wrong, your thoughts will destroy you. Instead if you keep asking ‘how does it get any better than this?’ and ‘what would it take for this to be easier?’ you will change your energy and suddenly the world around you will become more fun and hopeful. You choose to do this, so stay present and where you are right now and making that experience fun & enjoyable. If you are constantly thinking, that it will all be good in a few months when you are going to be somewhere else, you will never have any fun. Every thing is an experience. You can choose to embrace these experiences or resist them. The more you resist: the more it persists! Traveling requires a total attitude change. It requires a ‘I will make this happen and I will make this work’ attitude. Don’t give up. Don’t quit on you. You have the power and capacity to change anything and if you take this attitude, You can make everything work for you.

And finally these experience you are having will shape you as a person. They teach you things about yourself that you may never learn had you stayed in the comfort of your hometown. It’s easy to stay comfortable and keep doing the things we are used to. You are different though. You are asking for more. More excitement, more joy, more from this world. Embrace that as you travel and with everyone you meet. This is just one experience you are having and nothing is permanent. You will return home again and nothing will have changed there. You, on the other hand, my dear friend will have transformed as a person and have a total different way of looking at the world.

Just don’t ever give up. Do not QUIT! You can make everything work once you Do Not Ever Give Up On You.

 

 

images-67

 

 

Nobody can prepare you for traveling. Moving to another country will test you, stretch you, demand more of you, have you laughing and have you crying. Have you scared and have you excited! It’s a rollercoaster of emotions so enjoy the ride.

HOW DO I CHOOSE?

I’m going to start this with, how much I love 70% of my life. I wake every morning to the sunshine and I’m within short distance of the beach. I teach kids dance every week and get the gift they are for me.  I have clients who come to me for weekly session and are choosing totally beyond this dense reality. I get to do my sessions in the most beautiful, nurturing space. I get to take regular hot Yoga classes and have so much choice with different schools and teachers. I can get my bars run when I get cranky and tired. I get to host these amazing facilitators with Access Consciousness and be inspired to create more and more. Last but not least, I have the funniest, kindest, gorgeous, caring, gentle (with a bit of crazy!!) boyfriend who I adore waking up to every morning and who wants to create a life with me.

So, 70% of my life is amazing, I love it and I am so inspired to what else I can add and create. 30% of my life does not fit with all I mentioned above.

I work for the last year in a restaurant where I live. I took the job when I moved here when I was desperate and needed quick money to get my life started here. I never intended for it to be long term. One year later, I’m still working there and it makes up the 30% of my life that sucks the life out of me. So, for what reason would I not have 100% of my life amazing?

I would create 30% as limited and make this part of my life hard by continuing to work here. I don’t like the environment. It doesn’t inspire me to greatness like the other 70% of my life. Why should I not be inspired to greatness 100% of my time here?

I’m not saying that by working in a restaurant that you can’t be achieving greatness. Of course you can. The environment of this particular restaurant is not kind. Yet for me, there’s something else calling me. I’ve been asking the universe for a while now, what else is possible?

Hey universe, you know me better than anyone. You know my energy, what would be possible for me to work with, that is fun, joyful, inspires me and others and is something that I may never even thought to ask for?

Could you put that in front of me please? Where do I have to go to find this? Who can help me?

See, I know the universe is magic and I am magic and so many different possibilities are possible. I don’t have to hate 30% of my life. I could love 100% of my life and I’m asking for this.

I know I may make some of my life hard. Why? To fit in with everyone else in this reality who choose pain and struggle.

You know, misery is optional and loves company. It’s almost like we fall into these traps of relationships and jobs and other stuff that DO NOT make us happy, yet because they are familiar, we stay in them.

I’m really not someone who is afraid of change, so being in this restaurant for over a year when really not wanting to be there, has been intense for me. I’m asking what’s the value of being here?

What am I proving with this job? What’s the gift I’m not seeing here?

All these insane points of view come up. Like, I’m proving life is hard. I can’t have it all. Some of my life must be difficult. I’m trying to still fit into this world. I’m proving, I can’t make all my income from my business. I’m stopping myself from putting all my energy on creating and building my business. I can’t trust myself to create money so I have to have some security coming from a job!!

I’m looking at all these insane points of view and I’m getting NO MORE. No more, choosing only 70% happiness. No more, holding myself back. Look at my insane points of view and say ‘Hey universe, i’m insane. Can you show me a different possibility?

Where can I go to be a greater contribution? Where can I be inspired and inspire others. Who would like me to work with them in creating a greater world 100% of the time and not just 70%?

What action do I require to take? Take a leap and leave the restaurant now? Will that create more ease for me?

Or will I keep going there universe until we create something greater? If, I keep asking and demanding a different choice here, can you deliver it to me?

Please universe, I’m very impatient, can you show me its on the way?

No more, of just 70% happiness. I don’t do half measures. I’m in this for the full experience universe.

Please show me the way

With cherries on top

Amy

 

 

 

 

 

IS THIS OUR VERSION OF LOVE?

Have you ever been in love? I really don’t know what being ‘in love’ means. Love to me is a word that has been mis-used a lot by people. I don’t like to use the word too much. I see what the movies have done by feeding us these fantasies of what love is and I suppose i’ve resisted that for a long time. Recently, I’ve started a new relationship with the most brilliant, kindest, caring man and he’s changing how I see Love now…

My Big Sexy is changing my world. The caring and the vulnerability this guy is willing to be for me, is melting away every past pain that’s in my world. There’s been a lot of pains. I told him at the start of our relationship that I didn’t think Love was real. He said, ‘That’s because you’ve never been in love’. He’s right. I have never experienced before what I’m experiencing with him. Is it Love?  It’s what my love is. It’s not Love from what Walt Disney says love is or from the fairytales I was read as a child. Its not the fantasy of Love. Its magic. Its caring. Its kindness. Its him having my back and me having his back. It’s me allowing him to be and choose whatever he’s choosing and it’s him allowing me to be as weird and foreign as I am. It’s fun. It’s belly laughs. It’s intimate.

He’s the first man who has looked me in the eyes and tell me with such sinerity how special I am to him. He tells me how he wants to create a life with me. How much he loves being with me. The vulnerability and kindness this man is willing to be is literally melting every past wound from my body. I’ve never had this before. I didn’t even know I could have this. I thought it was just a fairytale. I didn’t know I could have this magical person in my life so close to me and not let myself get lost.

I never thought for a second he’s be the guy I’d end up loving so intensely. He was just this guy I worked with. In my eyes, he drank too much, all he cared about was working out and we had nothing in common. The superior bitch in me, was like ‘oh i’m so into conscious living, healthy lifestyle, yoga and all the energy work, how could this ever work with us?’

Wow, was i wrong. In the early days when me and big sexy just started hooking up, one lady friend told me stay away from this guy and go hang out in Yoga centers where I’ll find myself a more AWAKE guy!! In her defense, big sexy was a bit of a head f**k when we first started hooking up. Neither of us knew what we wanted. In regards to finding an AWAKE guy in a Yoga studio. Not always true. I’ve met some of the most ego driven people in Yoga studios. And is that not a total superior point of view? If I go to Yoga, then i’m awake and your not!!

See when me and Big sexy finally decided to get vulnerable with each other and be present together, everything changed. There was an intimacy and connection that we couldn’t deny. It doesn’t matter what you do in your life or how conscious you are. Some of the most so called conscious people I know are total assholes.

Here is this guy who’s a real man. He shows me love and affection everywhere we go: in front of his friends, in the restaurant, at the bar. When i’m with him, he gives me all his attention. He’s here with me. He’s not distracted. He doesn’t play mind games. He constantly openly displayed to me how much he cares for me and in turn allows me to be that for him. He makes me breakfast in the morning while I go online on my Access tele call. He laughs at all my funny quirks. He allows me to not make everything so serious. He walks up to me in the restaurant just at the moment when some asshole person has been horrible to me and i’m leaving it upset me. He hugs me and re-assures me that it’s not that serious. He gets that I need to eat regularly or else i’ll get irritable and cranky. He knows I require regular Yoga as I know he requires regular workouts in the gym. He supports me in choosing whatever it is that makes me happy once I still make time for him.

I’m writing all this down for a few reasons. I might show this to him. I sometimes don’t know how to put in words, how much love i have for this guy. And part of me is afraid to say it too much. What if it doesn’t last? What if it’s too good to be true? What if it all falls apart? It’s too soon to be saying all this…. What if….What if….What if…

Well, what if the world ended tomorrow and i’d never told this guy how much I love him. All because I was scared of the word love. I use the word ‘adore’ and he doesn’t like it!! He thinks it’s a cop out. He’s right. It is. What if I just told him how much I loved him. How much I Love everything he is being for me. And how much I love being in his arms. And how much I Iove waking up next to him. And how much I love it when he makes faces at me and when he calls me the foreign girl. And how much I love everything about him. Even when he’s frustrated! And when he starts ranting. And how much i love his humor. And how when he puts his hands on my body, it breaths out and just melts. Is this our version of love?

So what if this is it. What if there is nothing to be afraid of. What if I acknowledged what we have is magic right now and enjoy it rather than worrying about the future that will never come. All we have is now right. And right now it’s magic. It’s love in what we are creating Love as. Not the movies version of Love. Its our version of Love.

Big Sexy and Mrs.Little Sexy 🙂

This is our version of Love.

If I could talk to my 18 year old self again….

Yesterday, I got a message from a beautiful, kind, caring, stunning female that I care deeply about. She was reaching out to me for advice. She spoke in the way of: ‘I don’t feel like I’m any fun….. I feel like something is missing from my life… I am not happy with me.. Did you ever feel like this when you were my age?

Wow… Did I ever feel like this? YES, all day every day I felt like I didn’t fit in, I was so boring and I was totally missing something. I didn’t have many female friends when I was younger. Not because I didn’t like females. I just  DIDN’T get what these girls thought was fun. I didn’t get the jokes. I didn’t get the ‘slaging’ or insulting each other. I didn’t get the need to be the funny one. I didn’t get the criticism. I don’t think they got it either. I don’t think anyone gets it. Instead, i think everyone is trying so hard to fit in and ‘be part of the group’ that nobody is being them and everyone is trying to fit themselves into a box that they don’t fit in….

So, What did I do? I just got on with it. I always had 1 or 2 close friends that were my comfort blankets. This world DID NOT make any sense to me. So, if I could talk to me as my 18 year old self again, this is what I’d say:

You are not ugly. You are not wrong. You are not stupid. Are you just aware of all these judgments in everyone else heads around you?

Instead of thinking all these thoughts: You are no fun, you are boring, no one likes you…. What if you asked ‘Are any of these thoughts mine?’ I wonder what would happen?

Are you psychic? Can you pick up on the thoughts and judgements of the people around you and YOU KEEP THINKING ALL THIS CRAP IS YOURS. IT ISN’T YOURS.

Stop hanging around with people that are mean, un-kind and do not want the best for you.

Create friends that DO NOT JUDGE YOU.

Create and choose friends who want the BEST FOR YOU.

Ask yourself what truly makes you happy? And add that to your life. Move, dance, sing, use all that energy you have and put it into something you love.

Stop wasting your time just hanging out, talking about other people and gossiping about other people’s lives. That stuff is SCEPTIC and I know you really don’t like it.

Yes, going out late at night and drinking actually is so boring for you. You are NOT boring because of this. It’s a fake environment that you know is NOT kind. Find more kinder places for you to be and dance in. If you were truly having fun and being joy then there would be no need to drink alcohol.

Drinking alcohol is not wrong. When you do it from choice it can be fun. When you do it from ‘need’, to make you happy, or fit in, or be more fun: that’s what creates the problem.

By the way very few people drink from choice at your age….. How aware are you of evereyone trying to fit into this tiny, BORING, Dull box…. Yet nobody fits in there. And IT HURTS when you try to fit in there. Its too small. So, you have to cut off PIECES AND PARTS OF YOU TO FIT IN THE BOX.

Get OUT OF THE BOX. The parts and pieces of you that are missing are outside the box!!

You are so creative and talented. Find what you love, something that excites you and do more of that.

10 years from now, who’s dating who and who cheated on your friend WILL NOT MATTER.

Instead, 10 years from now, you will kicking yourself for giving up that Dance class or never starting with the Acting group in college. Or for, not following that longing you have always had to learn Spanish.

You will look back and think: ‘If only I’d started then?’

And its never too late to start: Its never too late to have your dreams. You start today.

By the way, that comment you heard that insulting boy say about your looks ‘IS NOT ABOUT YOU’.

EVERYTIME someone judges you: They are judging themselves. If they say that you are ugly then that’s because they believe that they are ugly.

Judgement is a lie and Its never about YOU.

So you have a choice: You can stay in this lovely world of JUDGEMENT. Or you can choose something different:

YOU HAVE TO BE THE ONE TO CHOOSE IT.

No one else can choose for you.

Only you can find the parts and pieces of you that are missing.

Did I feel like pieces and parts of me were missing when I was a teenager?

Oh HELL YES. And I spent what was supposed to be ‘the best years of my life’ numbing myself out with substances.

And then all my early 20’s recovering ME.

So, where am I now. CREATING ME.

So, beautiful girl. You have a CHOICE: You can choose to keep trying to fit yourself into the small, boring life that your friends fit themselves into. A life of pretending to be happy when they are not, going from drama and trauma, nights out where the only way you think you can have fun involves putting alcohol into your sweet bodies, bitching about each other, judging yourself constantly and NEVER FEELING GOOD ENOUGH.

Its not YOUR FAULT. You are all just growing up in an Insane world where Judgement is the core Addiction.

Fun isn’t it? Constant Judgement and wrongness of you. Its what Everyone is doing to themselves.

You Can Stop it and Choose something different. You can Choose to BE YOU.

Choose to BE YOU AND BE AS DIFFERENT AND BRILLANT AS YOU ARE.

This means:

You will be judged: But guess what? You are judged anyway.

By Being You: some people will love you and some people will hate you.

The people that love you though will be the best people in the world to be around. Cause, they will also Be different too. And you will be having so much fun and freedom that other people’s judgements will not matter.

You have to be willing to Give up Caring what other people THINK OF YOU.

10 YEARS FROM NOW, YOU WON’T EVEN KNOW ANY THESE PEOPLE.

In order for YOU TO HAVE YOU: YOU HAVE TO CHOOSE TO ‘BE YOU’

Choose what’s fun for you,

Go dance, Go act, go sing, go play the piano,

Wear the clothes you’d like to,

Say inappropriate things that you think in your head,

Dance crazy,

Give up caring what other people think of you.

What are your dreams? Why did you come here? What would you like your life to look like?

Start choosing your dreams,

NO ONE ELSE WILL CREATE IT FOR YOU,

Choose for you and magic happens,

You won’t feel like your boring anymore,

You won’t feel awkward or ugly or un-happy or lost or alone,

Because When you have YOU and are creating your life and what makes You happy:

You won’t be living someone else life,

You will HAVE YOUR LIFE,

And YOU WILL HAVE YOU.

If I could talk to my younger self again, this is what I would have loved to have told her…

What would happen if we all LOST OUR MINDS?

I’m going out of mind right now. I’m off my head. I’m crazy. I’m losing it. I lost my head. What does it actually mean ‘TO LOSE YOUR MIND?’ And what is so wrong with losing our minds? Why have we made our heads and our minds so valuable that we are so determined to never lose them?

As a child I remember thinking I didn’t belong on this Planet. This world was all a bit strange for me. The people were different, there wasn’t much magic and frankly the kids at school were mean, the teachers were intimidating and I WAS SO BORED ALL THE TIME. My happy times were when I played games with my imagination and I played games with my siblings. But even that got boring. So, as young as 3years old I was looking for ways to get away from the boredom in this world that lived in my head. From my experience that’s one of the primary reason people drink or take drugs or over-eat, or have relationships: To get away from themselves and out of OUR HEADS!! I did all of the above and they always left me in a place worse than before I started. I always ended up feeling even more disillusioned than I did before I took the drug, or the drink, or dated the guy.

We are such funny creatures. We create so much drama and heart ache in order for us not to deal with ourselves and as an ESCAPE from the mundane Dullness of this reality. I’m very grateful for that fact that I actually got to experience ‘LOSING MY MIND’. At 21, i had tried everything to get me out of my head: Boys, drink, drugs, exercise. It all gave me moments of seeing that something else was possible here on this planet, but it was never sustainable. Like, why do we get into those relationships we know won’t work, or drink too much? For the buzz of course. To get that high. To feel like there is something more to our life here. So at 21 for whatever reason I WOKE UP BY LOSING MY MIND.

This wasn’t through taking some drug. This was a full on Losing touch with everything I thought was real and true: family, friends, this world, structures, rules, forms, society…EVERYTHING. It all fall apart in front of me. I didn’t know who I was and I didn’t have any definitions for me. I was no longer a girl who lived in this house in Cork and went to college. Instead, I was everything. I could see everything. I could see what was possible here on this planet. I could see all our pasts. This history of this Earth past. How, it was playing out in our present lives still. I could communicate to people around me through energetics and I could communicate with people from my past who no longer had a body here on this planet. There was no separation with the past, the present or the future. Everything was just NOW. That was me LOSING MY MIND. That was me GOING CRAZY. Of course I knew I wasn’t crazy. Actually in fact for the first time in my life, I actually never felt so SANE. LIKE EVERYTHING MADE SENSE. EVERYTHING. EVERYTHING CONNECTED. And it wasn’t like I WAS FIGURING all this out. Instead, it was just a KNOWING. The information was just there. I HAD LOST MY MIND. And in the willingness to Lose my mind: I HAD FOUND ME.

However, it became too much for me. Nobody around me could relate to me. And i couldn’t express to them what was happening me. I had no support or tools to cope with what was happening. The people around me didn’t know what to do. They couldn’t find me. They couldn’t connect with me. They couldn’t understand me. Why? Because, i was so far gone beyond the dullness and separation of this reality that they couldn’t connect with me. They thought they had LOST ME. So, they had to DIAGNOSE ME. Bring me back here. Back to the wrongness of this reality. You have a DIAGNOSIS. There’s something wrong with you. We have to medicate you. You need help. So, i played along with them. I knew the truth and really nothing anyone said or did could take that from me.

I heard this voice in me say ‘just take the medication and go along with them. It will take 3years of you being on medication and then the day will come where you can have all this experience again’. So that’s what I did. I shut down this whole waking up experience, put it to the back of my head. Pretended and started to create in my mind again that I was wrong, that I had an illness. That my mind was crazy. That what I had experienced was just me being insane. Its so funny how well I bought my own lies. For the next 5 years after this I continued to create my life from that place of ‘ There is something wrong with me and i have to fix it’, while deep down knowing there was something else I had experienced that was so much more than anybody knows. And I could never verbalize it to anyone else.

That was, until I met Rachael O’ Brien. Have you ever met someone for the first time and just know INSTANTLY that this person needs to be someone in your life. Rachael was like that for me. I seen her first at these AA meetings i was going to desperately doing this 12 step work to try fix me and quieten THIS CRAZY MIND OF MINE. Rachael when I first met her was an emotional mess. She too was hell bent on making herself wrong. She loved to beat herself for being a bad mom, wife, friend. Little did she know she was one of the kindest people on this planet. After a few months of seeing Rachael at these meetings, I noticed Rachael wasn’t crying anymore. She had this lightness in her. This joy, this ease. I thought she must be doing really good 12 step work. I wanted to know what she was doing… So, i started spending more time with her.

One conversation with her changed my whole world. That early experience where I lost my mind was re-awakend as Rachael literally told me her story of  a similar experience that she had. This was all i needed. Just one person to describe to me what they had experienced and i knew I AM NOT CRAZY. This has happened someone else. This isn’t just me. THIS IS POSSIBLE.  See, my mind was so hell bent on convincing me that what I had experienced 5years ago was not real. Our minds are great like that. Great at playing tricks on us, telling us lies. Limiting us. A wise person said ‘The mind is a great thing: WASTE IT’.

This Experience with Rachael was the moment I had been re-assured 5years ago before i was medicated would come again. The time was now.  Rachael was like a fairy godmother to me. I knew I had chosen her. I required someone to go on this journey with me. I had spent the last 5 years hell bent on trying to fix me and fit myself back into the mundane reality that bored the crap out of me and had zero possibilities. I was so tired from it. So worn out. My body hurt so bad. I was a emotional mess.

So here it was, a different possibility. Yet there was other people choosing what i had experienced. And there was tools. A body Process called Access Bars which I was told is like a deletion system for your thoughts. Wow, i needed a LOT OF THAT. So I jumped right in. I started to get my Bars ran as much as I exercised and then I started to substitute getting my bars run for exercise. WHY? Because FINALLY I could have ease in my body and my life. Finally I didn’t feel ‘I HAVE TO GO TO A MEETING, or I have to pray or I have to exercise or else I will be insane’. Don’t get me wrong, I still exercise. Movement is one of my most favorite things here in the world. In actual fact the ability for me to dance, swim, run, stretch are some of the things I truly enjoy here. However what changed was MY NEED TO DO IT.

Before I met Rachael and found Access bars, everything I did was coming from NEED TO KEEP ME SANE. If i didn’t go to a meeting, or exercise or eat right, or sleep right, then as they day in AA:’I WOULD BE OFF MY HEAD’…The truth was that I was having a constant download of information from everyone around me and this whole reality in my head and I had no way of coping with all the information. That’s why in earlier years I used relationships, drink and drugs to escape. Then after my so called ‘Psychosis’, I had medication to cope. After that, I had AA meetings, dance, yoga, meditation…all which helped.

This Access Bars was something much different. It worked so fast and actually gave me such a sense of ease that it gave me everything i was looking for, all my life. It gave me: ME. It gave me the real Amy. The Amy without all the labels and judgements and wrongness. It gave me a connection to everything in this world and to myself. It was, what I got a taste of in moments in my life ,yet this was actually sustainable.

If I could have one wish for this world it would be for everyone to have these tools of Access Consciousness and Access Bars. WHY? Because, had i known these tools and body work 8 years ago when I WAS LOSING MY MIND, then I could have saved myself the heartache of the years of trying to fix myself. You know from 21 until 25 years old, I did not have 1 date or boyfriend. Why? I didn’t have time. I was too busy trying to fix myself. Had i had access to Access Bars 8 years ago, It would have given me the awareness, that everything I was experiencing was, just me losing my old reality of separation and judgement and creating a new reality of CONSCIOUSNESS…That is oneness..where everything exists with no judgement.

I wonder if i could go and give these tools to every person in mental institutions and psychiatrists offices, what would happen?I wonder would they like to know that what they are experiencing is a new reality.

I wonder what would happen if we didn’t use masses of medication and instead provided people with tools to allow them to have ease with their new reality and all the information they are receiving.

I wonder why we have made LOSING OUR MINDS so wrong? What if its actually an AWAKENING And not a wrongness? What if we could celebrate each other and support each other in stepping out of the limitations of this world and into a new one with Oneness and possibilities.

What if our minds aren’t as valuable as we think they are?

What if the people with all The Labels are actually the ones who have a lot of capacities. ADHD, Autistic, Personality Disorder, Depressive, Alcoholic, Bio-Polar, Psychosis, Schizophrenic… What if all that we were missing were the TOOLS….

What if there was SO MUCH MORE… What if your mind was the greatest thing you use to stop yourself?

What if you were never wrong?

What WOULD HAPPEN IF WE ALL LOST OUR MINDS?

So what if we could all LOSE OUR MINDS TOGETHER. And it could be easy and fun? And we can run each others Bars and support each other in us all creating a greater world for ourselves and a planet that would be fun to live on?

The Tale of Anna….BE CAREFUL WHAT YOU ASK FOR…

Beautiful Anna with golden locks and a wildness in her soul, lived on the Mountain road in a country house with her 2 older brothers, her older sister, her adoring mother and not so present yet full of character Dad. Anna adored men. She loved to follow her two brothers around the roads and be part of their games and hang out with all their males friends.

Anna went through her whole childhood looking at most men in her life from adoration. She always had something that was lost in her world. Somewhere, she thought she’d find it in her brother, or her father and as she got older she would look for it in her boyfriends.

So her first boyfriend was the kid at school that everyone HATED. He was the ‘SMART-ASS’.  Always teasing everyone else. He was the funny one. Funny in that he took pleasure in making other people laugh through taking someone else character apart. Of course, Anna saw so much more than that. She saw how this guy would reveal to her in moments, a softness. She also saw deep inside him to all the pieces and parts of him that were hurting and broken and so, she saw herself in him. He constantly told her how much he cared for her. After a year of being together, Anna found out that he had cheated on her with local easy girl. So this guy who claims to care about Anna, had cheated and lied to her.

Not long after Anna broke up with this guy,  Her oldest brother died in a car accident. Another person she cared about, gone. This was difficult. Waking up every morning and facing the reality that her brother wasn’t on this planet anymore. That she couldn’t hug him, she couldn’t call him and hear his voice. She couldn’t annoy him with stupid questions. For a while, Anna used to call his phone, just hoping that it was all a bad dream and he might answer. Anna was very psychic and mystical. She saw so much more than this physical world and had a lot of information. She knew her brother didn’t really want to be here and somewhere in his world HE CHOSE to leave. That still didn’t take away the intense longing she had to still have him here. I wonder when we miss someone after they leave, how much is that grieving for us and not the other person?

Anna was really lost now. So she jumped straight into another relationship. Anything to escape this pain. The next guy she dated for 3 long intense years. He was a great guy but was high on drugs all the time. Anna was choosing it again. Choosing a guy who couldn’t be present with her. Who used control, jealousy and manipulation to get his way and control her. Again this was starting to be her version of caring. These guys she thought cared about her, did so from control, not being there, leaving and greed. Anna didn’t blame these guys, it was all that knew too.

That’s this REALITY version of caring. Its not TRUE CARING.

The next guy Anna met was even worse. He seemed so caring and so different from the last boyfriends but he was the most deceitful. This was turning into a real cycle. Anna didn’t know.

She didn’t know that these guys were merely a reflection of herself.

Because how much did she really want to die, how much did she really want to leave this planet. To her, this planet was un-kind, harsh and GREY. Anna hated grey. Grey was killing her.  How much did taking drugs not work for her? Anna saw so much more than the physical world yet no one around her saw it. That hurt. How much did Anna abuse herself with her thoughts. How much was she controlling herself by not allowing herself to acknowledge that she wanted to die.

Except she couldn’t leave. She knew deep down that she was here for something different. She knew her brother choose to leave and she was here to stay. So, she stopped with these guys and looked at herself.

She decided she was done with the abuse. Done with lies. Done with the leaving. If she was going to live here on this planet then she required  something different: TRUE CARING

As Anna got into her late 20s and after doing a lot of soul searching and making changes in her life, she started to ask the Universe to bring her a kind, caring man. Funny thing is that the same thing from her past was showing up again. These guys who were not present, taking drugs, abusive to themselves.

Then Anna got it: BE CAREFUL WHAT YOU ASK FOR…..She was asking for caring and the Universe was giving her just that: Her version of caring. Her definitions of caring based on her past. Everything she had concluded caring was.

See if you had people in your life who you concluded cared about you and they did caring through control, jealousy, anger, not being present then you will get that as caring in your life.

That’s not TRUE CARING.

True caring is gratitude, its nurturing, its allowance. Its gratitude for you and the other person. Its nurturing because being with this person expands both your lives so you both become so much more. Its allowance for you and for what the other person is choosing.

Anna never had this in her life. So, she started with having it for herself. Then, she started to ask the universe to show her what true caring is.

If you never had True Caring and only had this reality messed up version of caring then ASK THE UNIVERSE TO SHOW YOU.

ASK AND YOU SHALL RECEIVE….Just be careful in what your asking for!!