Have you ever been in love? I really don’t know what being ‘in love’ means. Love to me is a word that has been mis-used a lot by people. I don’t like to use the word too much. I see what the movies have done by feeding us these fantasies of what love is and I suppose i’ve resisted that for a long time. Recently, I’ve started a new relationship with the most brilliant, kindest, caring man and he’s changing how I see Love now…
My Big Sexy is changing my world. The caring and the vulnerability this guy is willing to be for me, is melting away every past pain that’s in my world. There’s been a lot of pains. I told him at the start of our relationship that I didn’t think Love was real. He said, ‘That’s because you’ve never been in love’. He’s right. I have never experienced before what I’m experiencing with him. Is it Love? It’s what my love is. It’s not Love from what Walt Disney says love is or from the fairytales I was read as a child. Its not the fantasy of Love. Its magic. Its caring. Its kindness. Its him having my back and me having his back. It’s me allowing him to be and choose whatever he’s choosing and it’s him allowing me to be as weird and foreign as I am. It’s fun. It’s belly laughs. It’s intimate.
He’s the first man who has looked me in the eyes and tell me with such sinerity how special I am to him. He tells me how he wants to create a life with me. How much he loves being with me. The vulnerability and kindness this man is willing to be is literally melting every past wound from my body. I’ve never had this before. I didn’t even know I could have this. I thought it was just a fairytale. I didn’t know I could have this magical person in my life so close to me and not let myself get lost.
I never thought for a second he’s be the guy I’d end up loving so intensely. He was just this guy I worked with. In my eyes, he drank too much, all he cared about was working out and we had nothing in common. The superior bitch in me, was like ‘oh i’m so into conscious living, healthy lifestyle, yoga and all the energy work, how could this ever work with us?’
Wow, was i wrong. In the early days when me and big sexy just started hooking up, one lady friend told me stay away from this guy and go hang out in Yoga centers where I’ll find myself a more AWAKE guy!! In her defense, big sexy was a bit of a head f**k when we first started hooking up. Neither of us knew what we wanted. In regards to finding an AWAKE guy in a Yoga studio. Not always true. I’ve met some of the most ego driven people in Yoga studios. And is that not a total superior point of view? If I go to Yoga, then i’m awake and your not!!
See when me and Big sexy finally decided to get vulnerable with each other and be present together, everything changed. There was an intimacy and connection that we couldn’t deny. It doesn’t matter what you do in your life or how conscious you are. Some of the most so called conscious people I know are total assholes.
Here is this guy who’s a real man. He shows me love and affection everywhere we go: in front of his friends, in the restaurant, at the bar. When i’m with him, he gives me all his attention. He’s here with me. He’s not distracted. He doesn’t play mind games. He constantly openly displayed to me how much he cares for me and in turn allows me to be that for him. He makes me breakfast in the morning while I go online on my Access tele call. He laughs at all my funny quirks. He allows me to not make everything so serious. He walks up to me in the restaurant just at the moment when some asshole person has been horrible to me and i’m leaving it upset me. He hugs me and re-assures me that it’s not that serious. He gets that I need to eat regularly or else i’ll get irritable and cranky. He knows I require regular Yoga as I know he requires regular workouts in the gym. He supports me in choosing whatever it is that makes me happy once I still make time for him.
I’m writing all this down for a few reasons. I might show this to him. I sometimes don’t know how to put in words, how much love i have for this guy. And part of me is afraid to say it too much. What if it doesn’t last? What if it’s too good to be true? What if it all falls apart? It’s too soon to be saying all this…. What if….What if….What if…
Well, what if the world ended tomorrow and i’d never told this guy how much I love him. All because I was scared of the word love. I use the word ‘adore’ and he doesn’t like it!! He thinks it’s a cop out. He’s right. It is. What if I just told him how much I loved him. How much I Love everything he is being for me. And how much I love being in his arms. And how much I Iove waking up next to him. And how much I love it when he makes faces at me and when he calls me the foreign girl. And how much I love everything about him. Even when he’s frustrated! And when he starts ranting. And how much i love his humor. And how when he puts his hands on my body, it breaths out and just melts. Is this our version of love?
So what if this is it. What if there is nothing to be afraid of. What if I acknowledged what we have is magic right now and enjoy it rather than worrying about the future that will never come. All we have is now right. And right now it’s magic. It’s love in what we are creating Love as. Not the movies version of Love. Its our version of Love.
Big Sexy and Mrs.Little Sexy 🙂
This is our version of Love.