I’m going out of mind right now. I’m off my head. I’m crazy. I’m losing it. I lost my head. What does it actually mean ‘TO LOSE YOUR MIND?’ And what is so wrong with losing our minds? Why have we made our heads and our minds so valuable that we are so determined to never lose them?
As a child I remember thinking I didn’t belong on this Planet. This world was all a bit strange for me. The people were different, there wasn’t much magic and frankly the kids at school were mean, the teachers were intimidating and I WAS SO BORED ALL THE TIME. My happy times were when I played games with my imagination and I played games with my siblings. But even that got boring. So, as young as 3years old I was looking for ways to get away from the boredom in this world that lived in my head. From my experience that’s one of the primary reason people drink or take drugs or over-eat, or have relationships: To get away from themselves and out of OUR HEADS!! I did all of the above and they always left me in a place worse than before I started. I always ended up feeling even more disillusioned than I did before I took the drug, or the drink, or dated the guy.
We are such funny creatures. We create so much drama and heart ache in order for us not to deal with ourselves and as an ESCAPE from the mundane Dullness of this reality. I’m very grateful for that fact that I actually got to experience ‘LOSING MY MIND’. At 21, i had tried everything to get me out of my head: Boys, drink, drugs, exercise. It all gave me moments of seeing that something else was possible here on this planet, but it was never sustainable. Like, why do we get into those relationships we know won’t work, or drink too much? For the buzz of course. To get that high. To feel like there is something more to our life here. So at 21 for whatever reason I WOKE UP BY LOSING MY MIND.
This wasn’t through taking some drug. This was a full on Losing touch with everything I thought was real and true: family, friends, this world, structures, rules, forms, society…EVERYTHING. It all fall apart in front of me. I didn’t know who I was and I didn’t have any definitions for me. I was no longer a girl who lived in this house in Cork and went to college. Instead, I was everything. I could see everything. I could see what was possible here on this planet. I could see all our pasts. This history of this Earth past. How, it was playing out in our present lives still. I could communicate to people around me through energetics and I could communicate with people from my past who no longer had a body here on this planet. There was no separation with the past, the present or the future. Everything was just NOW. That was me LOSING MY MIND. That was me GOING CRAZY. Of course I knew I wasn’t crazy. Actually in fact for the first time in my life, I actually never felt so SANE. LIKE EVERYTHING MADE SENSE. EVERYTHING. EVERYTHING CONNECTED. And it wasn’t like I WAS FIGURING all this out. Instead, it was just a KNOWING. The information was just there. I HAD LOST MY MIND. And in the willingness to Lose my mind: I HAD FOUND ME.
However, it became too much for me. Nobody around me could relate to me. And i couldn’t express to them what was happening me. I had no support or tools to cope with what was happening. The people around me didn’t know what to do. They couldn’t find me. They couldn’t connect with me. They couldn’t understand me. Why? Because, i was so far gone beyond the dullness and separation of this reality that they couldn’t connect with me. They thought they had LOST ME. So, they had to DIAGNOSE ME. Bring me back here. Back to the wrongness of this reality. You have a DIAGNOSIS. There’s something wrong with you. We have to medicate you. You need help. So, i played along with them. I knew the truth and really nothing anyone said or did could take that from me.
I heard this voice in me say ‘just take the medication and go along with them. It will take 3years of you being on medication and then the day will come where you can have all this experience again’. So that’s what I did. I shut down this whole waking up experience, put it to the back of my head. Pretended and started to create in my mind again that I was wrong, that I had an illness. That my mind was crazy. That what I had experienced was just me being insane. Its so funny how well I bought my own lies. For the next 5 years after this I continued to create my life from that place of ‘ There is something wrong with me and i have to fix it’, while deep down knowing there was something else I had experienced that was so much more than anybody knows. And I could never verbalize it to anyone else.
That was, until I met Rachael O’ Brien. Have you ever met someone for the first time and just know INSTANTLY that this person needs to be someone in your life. Rachael was like that for me. I seen her first at these AA meetings i was going to desperately doing this 12 step work to try fix me and quieten THIS CRAZY MIND OF MINE. Rachael when I first met her was an emotional mess. She too was hell bent on making herself wrong. She loved to beat herself for being a bad mom, wife, friend. Little did she know she was one of the kindest people on this planet. After a few months of seeing Rachael at these meetings, I noticed Rachael wasn’t crying anymore. She had this lightness in her. This joy, this ease. I thought she must be doing really good 12 step work. I wanted to know what she was doing… So, i started spending more time with her.
One conversation with her changed my whole world. That early experience where I lost my mind was re-awakend as Rachael literally told me her story of a similar experience that she had. This was all i needed. Just one person to describe to me what they had experienced and i knew I AM NOT CRAZY. This has happened someone else. This isn’t just me. THIS IS POSSIBLE. See, my mind was so hell bent on convincing me that what I had experienced 5years ago was not real. Our minds are great like that. Great at playing tricks on us, telling us lies. Limiting us. A wise person said ‘The mind is a great thing: WASTE IT’.
This Experience with Rachael was the moment I had been re-assured 5years ago before i was medicated would come again. The time was now. Rachael was like a fairy godmother to me. I knew I had chosen her. I required someone to go on this journey with me. I had spent the last 5 years hell bent on trying to fix me and fit myself back into the mundane reality that bored the crap out of me and had zero possibilities. I was so tired from it. So worn out. My body hurt so bad. I was a emotional mess.
So here it was, a different possibility. Yet there was other people choosing what i had experienced. And there was tools. A body Process called Access Bars which I was told is like a deletion system for your thoughts. Wow, i needed a LOT OF THAT. So I jumped right in. I started to get my Bars ran as much as I exercised and then I started to substitute getting my bars run for exercise. WHY? Because FINALLY I could have ease in my body and my life. Finally I didn’t feel ‘I HAVE TO GO TO A MEETING, or I have to pray or I have to exercise or else I will be insane’. Don’t get me wrong, I still exercise. Movement is one of my most favorite things here in the world. In actual fact the ability for me to dance, swim, run, stretch are some of the things I truly enjoy here. However what changed was MY NEED TO DO IT.
Before I met Rachael and found Access bars, everything I did was coming from NEED TO KEEP ME SANE. If i didn’t go to a meeting, or exercise or eat right, or sleep right, then as they day in AA:’I WOULD BE OFF MY HEAD’…The truth was that I was having a constant download of information from everyone around me and this whole reality in my head and I had no way of coping with all the information. That’s why in earlier years I used relationships, drink and drugs to escape. Then after my so called ‘Psychosis’, I had medication to cope. After that, I had AA meetings, dance, yoga, meditation…all which helped.
This Access Bars was something much different. It worked so fast and actually gave me such a sense of ease that it gave me everything i was looking for, all my life. It gave me: ME. It gave me the real Amy. The Amy without all the labels and judgements and wrongness. It gave me a connection to everything in this world and to myself. It was, what I got a taste of in moments in my life ,yet this was actually sustainable.
If I could have one wish for this world it would be for everyone to have these tools of Access Consciousness and Access Bars. WHY? Because, had i known these tools and body work 8 years ago when I WAS LOSING MY MIND, then I could have saved myself the heartache of the years of trying to fix myself. You know from 21 until 25 years old, I did not have 1 date or boyfriend. Why? I didn’t have time. I was too busy trying to fix myself. Had i had access to Access Bars 8 years ago, It would have given me the awareness, that everything I was experiencing was, just me losing my old reality of separation and judgement and creating a new reality of CONSCIOUSNESS…That is oneness..where everything exists with no judgement.
I wonder if i could go and give these tools to every person in mental institutions and psychiatrists offices, what would happen?I wonder would they like to know that what they are experiencing is a new reality.
I wonder what would happen if we didn’t use masses of medication and instead provided people with tools to allow them to have ease with their new reality and all the information they are receiving.
I wonder why we have made LOSING OUR MINDS so wrong? What if its actually an AWAKENING And not a wrongness? What if we could celebrate each other and support each other in stepping out of the limitations of this world and into a new one with Oneness and possibilities.
What if our minds aren’t as valuable as we think they are?
What if the people with all The Labels are actually the ones who have a lot of capacities. ADHD, Autistic, Personality Disorder, Depressive, Alcoholic, Bio-Polar, Psychosis, Schizophrenic… What if all that we were missing were the TOOLS….
What if there was SO MUCH MORE… What if your mind was the greatest thing you use to stop yourself?
What if you were never wrong?
What WOULD HAPPEN IF WE ALL LOST OUR MINDS?
So what if we could all LOSE OUR MINDS TOGETHER. And it could be easy and fun? And we can run each others Bars and support each other in us all creating a greater world for ourselves and a planet that would be fun to live on?